Since I’ve been back from Uganda, I have tried to write another blog post about what is going on in my life post-Africa, but the words are having a hard time emerging.  The truth is…I’m not sure what to say.

It’s hard to believe that in two days I will be moving to a new city.  It’s hard to believe that I will be sitting in a classroom once again.  It’s hard to believe that I will actually have to start all over…again.

I should be excited about the adventure awaiting me in Chattanooga, but instead I’m afraid of everything that can go wrong.  I have gotten so caught up in what the world tells me I need to have, do, and be over the past few years that I seem to have lost that girl who was fearless and had unwavering faith in her God.

What has happened to me?  I find myself wanting to be somebody people know and love instead of being someone who is secure because she is already known and loved.  I have become lost in myself and what I think I need instead of knowing that everything I could ever need I already have.

Maybe it’s because I’m older.  Maybe I’ve just gotten lazy.  But, I am so ready to just be somebody.  I am ready to put down some roots, have a family, and just have some stability.  It is my struggle, because even though I am at the age that the world says I should have all of those things, I am not at that place in my life.

I am not married, and I have to embrace that.
I do not have children, and I have to embrace that.
My roots are being uprooted, and I have to embrace that.
I have no stability, and I have to embrace that.
I am still figuring out who I am, and I have to embrace that.

The hardest thing is that I have to learn how to live in the midst of all the uncertainty.    I feel like I have spent the majority of my life living for what I want to happen in the future, and I have missed living in the stage of life I am in right now.

But, I am learning to embrace where I am and who I am at this time in my life.  And as much as I just want to be that somebody I hope to be in the future, I have to be who I am right here and right now, even if I’m still not really sure who that is.

Advertisements